Yes is me – Stephen - the ward winning gundog (hem hem). He heff written long boring letter that he stick inside Christmas cards for last foo years. He think letters are funny. I heff taken it upon myself to write the letter and put on website in my ward winning year (moor later) as it ken be no worse.
janyouwary
The year start in normal way with him moaning about wait he put on and cost of Christmas. We heff few days of shooting left. He still mad at me for eating a duck this season. As usual he heff not hit much for me to retreef. He have made “big decision” to enter me into competitions. He start wait watchus as he think he is too fat for his trowziz. He is rite. Chrissy who watches murders on telly with me goes in hospickle but she OK.
febyouwary
He take me pidgin shooting in woods every Saturday in febyouwary. At first I am dead eggsighted then I remember that he don’t hit much here either. Cartry jizz are everywhere but no pidgins. He go all funny when I stop looking in air for pidgins and decide to heff a nap instead.
marge
The news is out that i am entering competitions. “I hear you will be competing with your dog” his friend Caroline say – you got that rite mate I think to myself whilst trying not to larff. Nights is lighter so him and Martin start training. As usual in training he doesn’t make it klere what he wants me to do and starts shouting – in fact his face go pearpull. He not as fat I notice. He go to New York to see Emma (she at American Academy of Dramatic Art) and so I get to sit on couch every night to watch murders on telly with Chrissy (his wiff).
ayprul
We heff gone to big posh gundog day. I start training in grate style by running over dummy throwen for me by old man and running 150 yards further into a pond (I fort I saw duk). He go pearpull again. In afternoon we have competition. I do everything he arsed me and retreef all stewpid dummies. Anyway at end of competition we get row z with 1st on it. On way home he decide go to red line with Martin. They don’t heff dogs in red line. Not sure what they heff in red line but it must be hot in there. He come home red in face and smile lots and get down on floor and tell me he love me. He heff put row z near telly for all to see as I am now fishal ward winning gundog.
mae
we seem to be training all the time and he enter me in nuther competition. When I get there I see my stewpid bruvvers but I could not get near enough to start skrap. I think I do grate but paruntly we fail lots of tests. He say he haff high hopes for last test of day. An old man heff hid sum dummies in a wood 200 yards away over a stream and up anill (I don’t know why the old man heff done this but he heff). David point where dummies is and shout “get back”. I run in straight line like rokkit over stream and up anill and into woods – I get dummy and start coming back and then I get what he calls one of my famous “better ideas” – I turn round and go back into wood to look for a better dummy to take him – I find a good un and start to take it back to him put feel like pee so I heff three on way back. This make him fale again. No one heff explained before that I can heff no pees and no swapping so not my fault. We heff another test later in munff but again he heff not shown me how to do what the old men want me to do. In partickler he heff not shown me how to swim cross ponds. In one test he heff sit me near a pond and cry out “get back” and point over pond. I sit and look at him like he heff gone mad. So we fail that one. Later that munff he find another old man called Tony who takes us to a pond and show me what to do. Why heff he not done this before big competition I arsed myself but that is David for you. I find out that Tony luck after my stewpid bruvver – Brad.
joon
He look serious this munff and says to Martin we need to take training to a “nuther level” – one thing about David he do make me larff. Taking training to nuther level involve him going on holyday (again) to Orkney and Shetland. I go to Martin for two weeks which sounds good nishally. Martin put me in room but there is no radiator, no sofa and wurse still no telly – I, Stephen (ward winning gun dog) am spected to sleep on floor! Emma came back from New York and go to RADA for a Shakespeare acting coarse.
jooly
David and me are getting hang of training and go in a “heff a go day”. It sposed to be for fun but parently David don’t no that as go he all serious again. There are many dogs of all sheps and sizes and I feel quite spearier as they are rubbish. We drop 13 points out of 200 mainly coz I run full speed at 100 mile per hour into chicken wire fence on way out to retreef a dummy what an old man heff thrown in a pond. I feel a bit stewpid but only David and old man what threw dummy see it. He heff go on yet another holiday. He go on motorbike to Holland wiv his nephew Ben trying to act young again.
orgust
Lots of training this munff as we heff 2 competitions - not with dummies but dead things. They heff a cut at lunchtime in first competition from 27 dogs to 12 – I scrape thru in 12th place. After lunch he go all tite lipped and say to me “We have nothing to lose – you heff to be perfeck for next 3 tests” I heff to try not to larff as he look so pathetic. He quite excited as I do what I am sposed to do and go from miles behind to 4th. We get a sustificat and he go to red line again. We heff nuther test later in month with dead things again and this time we make cut (just). I heff a spektackler final retreef where I go like rokkit through sugar beet and into stubble field to get a rabbit an old man heff hid ( I don’t know why he heff hid it but he heff) I get a nuther sustificat for 5th. Before you arks yes he do go to red line again. I get to work out how to do gooder on tests – first thing is to look where the old men stand as they is ones what hide stuff or chuck it. Believe it or not he heff another holiday this time scoober diving with Emma in place called Red C. He don’t tell me much about it when he gets back but I notice he luck trimmer than what he were. Emma move to London. We train with Jim sometimes now and I see my mum.
sepdenver
Him and Martin heff bit bullet and put me in 2 open competitions. These are dead hard and you heff to be spot on.
Again he not show me what to do. I heff dead good retreef but on way back with dead pidgin an old man fire a gun and another even older man lob another pidgin. I go back to luck at second pidgin and so we fale. Week after all we do is retreefs with a pidgin chucked near me on way back. David go to Munich for Oktberfest. The Germans must heff been very rough and krool to him as he look terrible when he get back. In second open competition we nearly get to lunchtime cut without failing. I do good retreef but mess about on way back and bingo we is out again.
octoburr
It is fishally shooting season. We train in morning now as it get dark too early at night. Chrissy (his wiff) go to Spain as she is sixty. He go for foo days and look better for it.
nowvember
We go shooting a few times. He heff surprise me and hit things for me to retreef. We get to go picking up too.
dizzember
There is sno everywhere but we still go shooting. His wiff get ready for Christmas when Emma comes home.
Merry Christmas
Stephen (ward winning gundog)
